🇺🇸USMNT WORLD CUP PREVIEW 2026🇺🇸

OVERVIEW

The year is 2026. An evil cabal of drunks, rapists, and pedophiles has taken over the federal government and unleashed a dark age of corruption, a feeding frenzy of graft and new avenues of violence and misery.

Not to be outdone, FIFA is hosting the World Cup in the United States this summer, and it’s going poorly. The promised World Cup Hotel boom is a bust, a result of outrageously high ticket prices, FIFA overbooking hotel blocks and President Donald Trump’s Violence to Foreigners and Also You Plan.

Similar to America’s 250th Anniversary, we’re told we’re supposed to look forward to the North American World Cup, but the current moment feels cursed and small and another disappointment in our era of national humiliation. This should be my personal Super Bowl, but it feels more like a sad party for an old friend everyone now hates.

Despite blatant thievery, the fucking FIFA Peace Prize being given to Donald Trump, FIFA president/human cueball Gianni Infantino telling everyone that we should, in fact, be lucky to be gouged for tickets, and each element of the tournament being treated like pay-to-play Lollapalooza tiers, it is still the World Cup, the greatest sporting event in the world. And it’s not close.

So you might as well watch some games and see what the current bag of USMNT failure looks like.

I got you.

THE QUICK AND SKINNY: Because our team last time was young and fast and swagged out on the world stage, we took the fight to England, Wales and Iran and stood on equal ground with some soccer heavies for the first time any of us have seen, but flamed out to Netherlands on account of fatigue and that they were better than us. This time, we’re less swagged out and our youthful confidence has given way to guile and weariness, but it’s a better, more experienced team with a world class coach for the first time ever. The USMNT has two legit strikers now, a center back who starts in the Premier League and more experience under its wings. Somewhere along the way Weston McKennie became one of the best players in the world.

And we’re not galavanting around in Qatar anymore, we’re back home in *reads news about our felonious president’s billion dollar slush fund for violent criminals* the greatest country in the history of the world????

THE VENUES: The venues are in the mold of the enormous stadiums that professional sports owners build outside city centers that are suburban, soulless and hard to access through public transportation. We’re supposed to be impressed by the year-round shopping malls attached to these stadiums that feature amenities such an overpriced donut shop called “Lavender & Spice” and a Five Guys.

1994 wasn’t much better but the USMNT beat Colombia in Chicago to advance out of the group 🇺🇸⚽🌃. I’m an angry and weary Chicagoan at heart. I have come to possess through personal and professional experience what one might refer to generously as a “jaundiced” understanding of the city. But guess what? The Chicago lakefront in the summer is one of the most beautiful places in America and the perfect place for the world to take in an epic soccer match and FIFA was like “nah let’s go to the mall in Arlington, Texas instead.”

THE LIKELY OUTCOME: We win the group and survive a playoff game but get bounced in the next round. We play France or Argentina and they have like five bench guys we have no answer for.

Or, fuck it, we win the whole thing. 🇺🇸🇺🇸🇺🇸

We’re going all the way baby!

THE LIKELY WINNER: American soccer culture. We went from having no real domestic league during the last domestic World Cup in 1994 to having a respectable league that identifies, develops and exports talent to the rest of the globe. People follow Premier League soccer and other international giants. Friendlies between European giants sell out. A good showing will further aid public interest in the beautiful game.

THE LIKELY LOSER: All of us when Donald Trump farts his way into screwing up a big moment. He’ll call a player’s wife a slut on television or say the sport is boring or we’ll see a collection of the world’s greatest athletes participate in a Trump Dance contest on the Fox telecast. Some bullshit is going to happen and he’ll be responsible. Or maybe it* happens and it’s the Best World Cup Ever.

THE TEAM

CHRISTIAN PULISIC

Our Croatian-American king, he of the forearm tiger tattoo. Everyone in the media wants him to be the face of the program, but he’s camera shy and is more content to let his play on the field speak for itself, which it does. He exploded on the scene as a teenager who eventually went to Chelsea and helped lead them at a young age to a Champion’s League title, the first American to do so. This made him a household name in global soccer and the most prominent American men’s player, but still someone a majority of Americans couldn’t pick out of a lineup, which he probably enjoys when he returns home. Chelsea fans never appreciated him and booed him in his final match wearing the Chelsea Blues; seriously, fuck them. Imagine a Bears player leading the team to a Super Bowl win and Bears fans later BOOING him because he didn’t win two.

Sir Christian has since found his swag as Christian Pulisini in Serie A, the Italian League, where he has starred in a creative attacking role at AC Milan. He’s been in a bit of a funk since the Italian media rumored he had gone on a date with Sydney Sweeney 👀 even though he was in a real relationship with golf influencer Alexa Melton. As a result he had to give a statement saying he had never met Sydney Sweeney (this also happened to me) and celebrated his next goal by using his hands to put an “A” over his heart. Christian and Alexa have since broken up 💔; she accused him of being on a dating app for athletes and influencers while they were dating 😱 but she later apologized and said she was wrong and clarified our man Christian is not a cheater 💪. In any event, Christian has been in a scoring drought in all meanings of the phrase since this went down, and he needs to find a new woman to get on track. Preferably not a famous person because he handles the media poorly.

I feel like Christian is so talented that people take his gifts for granted. Again and again he has delivered for the USMNT on the highest levels. If I had to encourage people to watch a single CP10 highlight, it’s not his coolest, but it’s the one that felt the most special to me, a longtime US Soccer obsessive.

Get your mind in the headspace: the year is 2021, the world is opening up again. Starting for the USMNT is a crop of youngsters because the old guard failed to qualify for the World Cup, a dark moment for the program. Mexico, our biggest rival, has whipped our asses for what has felt like forever, and we are playing each other with our starting lineups in the CONCACAF Nations League final. Mexico takes the lead twice and we catch back up twice. Beer cans and bottles are flying, one hits Gio Reyna in the head. Our starting lineup is uncowed despite its inexperience. In the 113th minute, Mexico fouls an American player in the box. Pulisic takes the penalty kick. Mexico’s great goalkeeper, Guillermo Ochoa, is bouncing around on the box to get in Pulisic’s head. Puli lines it up and buries the ball in the goal’s top bin where Ochoa cannot reach. Our hero then runs to the Mexico fans gathered in the US stadium, takes off his jersey, beats it against his heart and does a SHHHHHHH!!!! as his teammates mob him. I’m in a bar screaming, my friend Bill strips off his shirt and runs around.

This is the first real congregate sports watching I’ve done since the pandemic stopped all sports and I start to cry.

Look at this goddamn photo. Tag yourself: I’m everyone all at once.

In the last World Cup qualifier cycle, Ochoa told a journalist that “Mexico is the team the United States wants to be when it looks in the mirror.” We proceed to kick Mexico’s ass in Mexico and the United States. At home, Pulisic came off the bench in the 74th minute, scored on Ochoa and lifted up his jersey.

THING HE DOES THAT’S COOL: a wizard with his feet, extremely creative, moves around the tiniest of spaces with grace, sacrificed his nuts for a goal against Iran at the World Cup. He became a founding father that day.

He also once scored a goal and then did the worm, after meeting a 15-year-boy with bone cancer and promising he would.

WESTON MCKENNIE

The face of the USMNT in an ideal world. Funny, charismatic, loves the cameras, has a flair for the dramatic. Huge personality. Not as much of a pure killer as Christian, and non soccer knowers might not fully appreciate Wes’ genius, but the man can ball. He’s played every position for Italian giants Juventus minus keeper and has excelled at each; their fans love Wes and he is Italian, spiritually, the most extra of any USMNT player. He scores goals, notches assists, disrupts attacks with superb tackles, is capable of pushing the ball up field with a pass that can thread the needle from 60 yards deep. One of the best players in the world last year and the American most likely to be the engine that guides the team to victory. In the run-up to the past World Cup, he was suspended for violating team rules for bringing girls up to his room after curfew; but he learned his lesson and has been a team leader since. I also think we need to give some leeway for young people being awesome and partying with girls, especially if they are Weston James Earl McKennie. What are we, the preacher from Footloose who hates dancing?

He’s also part of a contingent of military kids who grew up overseas, in Germany specifically, and a good reason why the United States should consider building military bases in Brazil and Argentina, a joke I first heard on the Scuffed Podcast. Wes’ Dad is a Twitter faithful with the curious alias “airborne69.”

THING HE DOES THAT’S COOL: Wes can do anything but he’s had a memorable scissor kick in a Champions League game that made people take notice.

WES’ COOL DOGS, LOLA AND SKY:

WES ON BEING A DOG OWNER: “A person who has never owned a dog has missed a wonderful part of life.”

He also dated a teammate’s sister, resulting in this hilarious picture.

MY FRIEND COLIN’S TATTOO: “WESTON MCKITTY”:

TYLER ADAMS

Captain of the last World Cup team, smooth handler of slimy state media personalities, a beast in the streets. The standard issue hot blooded American who knows jack shit about soccer would love Tyler Adams’ highlights because he manhandles people up on the pitch. Crushes attacks in their infancy, puts out fires left and right, wrecks fools with flying tackles and then tells them to shut the fuck up and stay the fuck down. Right now, as you’re reading this, a sober Ohio guy with the Tyler Adams spirit just did this to the worst person he’s ever met at the local Buckeyes Bar and is shooting off finger guns in victory.

THING HE DOES THAT’S COOL: blowing up attackers, telling them to shut the fuck up, scoring goalazos on occasion.

GIOVANNI REYNA

Not the arc we wanted for our wayward prince. At one point Gio was one of the greatest prospects in the world, a teenager at Dortmund with all of the tools in his arsenal to make a superstar, but injuries got in the way and he acted like a clown at the last World Cup because he was coming back from an injury and riding the bench and then his trashy New Jersey parents tried to blackmail Gregg Berhalter, who was at the time their close family friend and the USMNT head coach, and who is now their former friend and current Chicago Fire coach, but that backfired [SEE GIOGATE APPENDIX]. Gregg won, cause Gregg stays winning, and the Reynas lost. Aside from some promising flashes, Gio hasn’t made the mark we all once thought he would, mostly due to injury. Still, ball knowers understand that Gio is one of a few people capable of breaking a World Cup game open in a flash with his next level technique. He gets people upset because it often looks like he’s not trying, but he’s had some hamstring issues that have slowed him down and also he’s so talented that it takes less for him to get the job done than others. He makes it look effortless.

THING HE DOES THAT’S COOL: When it works, all of it.

TIMOTHY WEAH

Son of Liberian soccer great George Weah (who coincidentally was also at one time the president of Liberia). Can move with and then strike a ball in a full sprint about as well as anyone in the world. Is handsome and fashionable and possesses a worldliness off the pitch that’s appealing. Did some cool verbal jujitsu when Trump was trying to do some nonsense with the Juventus players last summer. Just a cool guy all around, my GOAT at the club if we were to somehow go there together (?).

Also he threw a punch in the Copa America a couple years ago, got a red that led to a loss and a multi-game ban that essentially doomed the USMNT to being grouped in the South American tournament. 😐

One of our hot guys.

THING HE DOES THAT’S COOL: Watch him kick the ball in full stride. The only USMNT player with a music career.

BRENDAN AARONSON

Held a starting job for Leeds in the Premier League, the most challenging in the world. Had a decent year. But not a lot of swag in this one. Feels like a white guy that Bears fans would love because he WORKS HARD and RUNS EVERYWHERE and HUFFS and PUFFS and DID SOMETHING COOL ONCE IN THE FOURTH QUARTER OF A PRESEASON GAME but is actually not great. Better in that he won’t get cut before the season begins and actually starts, but lacks the skill to make the impossible look easy. With Brendan Aaronson, it always looks hard.

THING HE DOES THAT’S COOL: He had a good year at Leeds! Here’s something cool he did there.

FOLARIN BALOGUN

Greatest name in the USMNT; say it three times out loud and savor the name as it dances off your tongue. Folarin Balogun. Folarin Balogun! FOLARIN BALOGUN!!! He’s our starting striker and will likely be headed to a good team in the Premier League soon.

Flo is the entire package: strong enough to hold up defenders with the ball at his feet to allow his offense to set, fast enough to blow past them, and loaded with enough technique and class to put the ball in the net from distance or at close range. Scores tons of goals for club (Monaco) and country. Most likely to become famous for scoring goals for us in the World Cup. Our greatest pickup since the last World Cup. Flo was part of the England soccer system but they wouldn’t call him up to play in a meaningless friendly so he posts on Instagram “In life, go where you’re appreciated” then posts again from sunny Florida, takes in a Knicks game (he was born in NYC) and announces, not unlike George Washington, he is leaving England for the United States.

THING HE DOES THAT’S COOL: Muscle his way into goals, leaving England with gusto.

RICARDO PEPI

Gregg Berhalter’s greatest error was keeping Pepi off the last WC team. Not as polished or complete as Flo Balogun, but dude has the will of the warrior. Grew up a first generation American in hardscrabble El Paso and here he stands on the precipice of a massive World Cup. America, in my opinion, at its finest.

Scores in big moments and has torn up the Dutch league. Expect him to move into a big team in the next few years. A good WC for Rico Pepi would be good for American soccer … and also for America.

*rubs crystal ball 🔮* Ricardo Pepi will notch an assist or score a goal in this World Cup.

THING HE DOES THAT’S COOL: scores last minute goals in big moments

CHRIS RICHARDS

Birmingham, Alabama native, yeah buddy! Earned a spot in the Premier League with Crystal Palace and has held the line for them as a punishing, aggressive center back. Hits ’em with the Roll Tide. Good on the microphone, easy mustachioed smile, has some aerial power on corner kicks. His flying afro will look cool as hell banging in a goal at the World Cup. One of our best new additions since the last WC, likely to warm hearts.

THING HE DOES THAT’S COOL: Dope header goals

SERGIÑO DEST

A bit of a mystery as a person, he likes fast cars and also … hanging out at the zoo? Posts highlights of himself on the Gram even if his team loses by 5 goals. Once got a red card after booting a ball off the pitch and into the fan section out of anger. Dutch-American. Comes out of the Barcelona academy and has some stunning flash and dazzle. Lacking in defensive acumen but the team is better, the team is cooler when he’s in the lineup.

THING HE DOES THAT’S COOL: the flash and the dazzle

TIM REAM

We were all sad when he died in The Fellowship of the Ring and later in Game of Thrones. He’s old and likely to get roasted by a much faster player at an important moment. I don’t want to see him play. Maybe he’ll ride the bench and be a meaningful elder statesman 🙏.

UPDATE 5/31/2026: After I wrote disparagingly and mockingly about Father Time, Poch made him the World Cup captain, at least ensuring some important minutes. Great. I watched him summon a touch of magic against Senegal (as well as some clownish passes) so let’s hope he brings his old self with him.

UPDATE 6/7/2026: I watched Tim play well IRL against a tough German squad here in Chicago. He made good clearances and placed smooth passes from the back to advance the ball upfield. We’re so back?

THING HE DOES THAT’S COOL: Has six dogs, played smart, had a great career at Fulham

INTERESTING FACT ABOUT TIM REAM: He wet the bed until age 11.

JEDI ROBINSON 🥵

This one is for the straights and the gays and for everybody, because Jedi is an elite hot guy with a charming Liverpool accent. One of the best left backs in the world. Can run at full blast for days. Helps with attacking pace. Plays at Fulham, likely to be shipped to a top tier club. He starts for most teams in the world. He had some heart issues earlier in his career related to coffee intake (?), but cut out coffee and catapulted into stardom. Undersold USMNT star and a guy that England couldn’t land. Counter attack is twice as deadly with Jedi in the lineup. Also he’s just cool.

THING HE DOES THAT’S COOL: sick backflips

OTHER THING HE DOES THAT’S COOL: magic tricks

THIRD THING HE DOES THAT’S COOL: plays piano

HAJI WRIGHT

In the hot guy jacuzzi with Jedi Robinson and Tim Weah. Earned his spot on the team by grinding it out in the English Championship (a punishing league with each team playing eight more matches than they do in Premier) and was rewarded with Coventry’s first promotion to Premier League in 26 years. Not as talented as our other strikers Flo & Rico, but works hard and has scored the second highest number of goals in the Championship, a grueling league. Good example of a player who puts in the work.

THING HE DOES THAT’S COOL: Look handsome, grinder goals, dominate the second ring of British soccer, score in the World Cup

JOE SCALLY

Doesn’t do much for me but has started for years in the Bundisliga and has accumulated an impressive number of minutes in the first tier of German football.

THING HE DOES THAT’S COOL: Not sure

DON’T GOOGLE: The term “Scally lads”

MALIK TILLMAN

Another strong addition to the USMNT since last World Cup. Originally thought of as a knock off Giovanni Reyna but has had a better career than Gio in recent years. Has jumped with both feet into the Bundesliga and has served some good minutes there. At 6’2, he’s bringing some muscle to the attacking midfield. Rumored to have slept with the press secretary of PSV, his former club in the Netherlands.

THING HE DOES THAT’S COOL: cut defenses like glass

MATT TURNER

Keeper at the last World Cup, very funny in Silicon Valley on HBO. He came to the sport relatively late and is lacking some of that smoothness with his feet that you see out of players who started young. But is an excellent shot blocker and has World Cup experience facing some tough opponents. Seems like a really good guy, a great family man, married to a former NFL cheerleader and MBA-holder Ashley Herron, obviously has some rizz. Came back down to Earth after the last World Cup and flamed out after some time in England.

THING HE DOES THAT’S COOL: Gave up a howler that landed him on Sportscenter’s Number 1 “Not Top 10” but did not let the event define his career.

ONCE DID A SOCCER GENDER REVEAL WITH THE USMNT

MATT FREESE

Our Ivy League goalkeeper who has taken the mantle from Thomas Middleditch impersonator Matt Turner.

THING HE DOES THAT’S COOL: Lil tongue wag after saving some kicks in a shootout.

SEBASTIAN BERHALTER???

Surprise! Sebastian Berhalter, son of former USMNT coach and Reyna family frenemy Gregg Berhalter of all people. Good at taking set pieces and works hard. No one expects him to play much in the World Cup, but he might show up late to place some corner kicks. If he’s going to be on the team, I need him to push the Berhalter-Reyna melodrama forward.

THING HE DOES THAT’S COOL: Put the USMNT up on Uruguay with a goalazo.

AARON FREEMAN

Son of Green Bay Packers wide receiver Antonio Freeman. Made the journey from MLS development league prospect to MLS player to starting right back for La Villareal in the Spanish La Liga to a World Cup roster. I haven’t thought too much about Aaron but his ascendance in such a short time is notable.

He was at the center of a brawl with future World Cup opponent Paraguay where he was put into a headlock and punches were thrown. He did nothing wrong but refused to be pushed around. After the match he said that his dad was “proud I stood my ground.”

“You know him, he loves the [scuffle] stuff,” he said.

The fight was a rallying point for the team and the first time you saw the USMNT collective fighting spirit in years.

THING HE DOES THAT’S COOL: The brawl!

ALEJANDRO ZENDEJAS

Mexican-American dual national. Starting winger for Liga MX power team Club América. I don’t have much to say other than it’s always nice to steal a player from Mexico and he seems to be a little guy who plays tough.

Might be good off the bench but don’t expect him to get too many minutes in the World Cup.

THING HE DOES THAT’S COOL: Scored against Japan

THEN THERE ARE SOME BORING MLS GUYS I DON’T CARE ABOUT AND YOU SHOULDN’T EITHER 💤

THE COACH, AKA THE POCH COACH

MAURICIO POCHETTINO

Former Illinois billionaire turned Florida man billionaire Ken Griffin is paying his salary. Ken also lavished money on Aurora Mayor Richard Irvin’s gubernatorial run (lol) and later Ron DeSantis’ presidential ambitions (lol²) but Poch is an actual good pick, having led Tottenham to a Champions League final. The best coach we’ve had, which isn’t saying much, but Poch knows what’s up. He also played for the Argentine national team so he understands pressure. The jury is still out on Poch but there’s a good chance he could take us far.

THING HE DOES THAT’S COOL: goes on a mid-game emergency doo doo walk, cries after meaningless summer tournaments

APPENDICES

GIOGATE

I’m of two minds. It was a disgusting attack by two out of control New Jersey sports parents that seemed to cause a dimensional rip in the vibes and sent the program as well as Gio Reyna himself on a bit of a tailspin we are still trying to pull out of.

Also it’s fucking funny and the US soccer culture needs more goofy scandals that break into the mainstream. This happens in Argentina like twice a week and if I’m being honest we need to be more like them if we ever want our men to win a World Cup. I was talking to my Argentinian friend Martin about the scandal and he had the right idea: “lore is important.”

Giogate is rooted in the relationship between two former USMNT teammates and longtime friends, Gregg Berhalter and Claudio Reyna. They played together and Gregg was Claudio’s best man in his wedding to former USWNT player Danielle Egan.

The 2022 World Cup rolls around and Claudio and Danielle’s son Gio Reyna is one of the brightest prospects in the world. Yung Gio, then 18, is putting on a show at Borussia Dortmund, a fan-owned club famous for producing superstars.

Gio is also frequently hurt. Hamstring issues, he broke his leg at one point. He just cannot stay healthy long enough to log persistent minutes in Europe. But he makes the USMNT World Cup squad and is not starting. In fact, he is playing little. Gregg knows why, the coaching staff knows why, Gio is less than 100 percent and Gio handles the news by acting like a total jagoff. Loafing around in practice, disobeying orders, not running. At one point leading up to the first game, his teammates confront him and tell him to get his act together or they are going to kick him off the team.

Ugly stuff, but it’s about to get uglier. Upset about their son’s lack of playing time, Gio’s parents start harassing anyone they can find in the US Soccer orbit including none other than Gregg Berhalter. Rumor has it that in Qatar there was a rooftop cookout for the players’ families and the Reynas were being awful to Christian Pulisic’s mom, Kelley Pulisic. There was a telling moment after the United States beat Iran to advance out of the group when the team returns to the hotel high off the fumes of their victory and you can actually see Giovanni Reyna pout as his team celebrates, about two seconds in.

The United States loses its next game and a month or two later Gregg gives what he thought was an off-the-record speech to a business leadership conference. He lets it fly that at the World Cup there was one player, without naming names, who was being awful and the team made him apologize to the entire team and explain why he was apologizing. No further problems. “And from that day on,” Gregg said. “There were no issues with this player.”

This was not Gregg’s brightest moment.

Claudio and Danielle Reyna get word and attempt to get Gregg fired as USMNT coach with the US Soccer federation. Specifically they leak an ugly moment from when Greg was a freshman soccer player at the University of North Carolina. One night they all went out drinking, Gregg got into a fight with his future wife, Rosalind, and kicked her in the leg.

“I feared I lost my soulmate out of the blue,” Gregg wrote in a statement in his first and only post to Twitter. “And then seven months later I received a call from Rosalind asking if we can speak in person. We met and discussed how we had grown and decided to rebuild our relationship.”

Gregg and Rosalind eventually got married and had five children and moved all around the world together while Gregg pursued a soccer career.

Gregg further clarified that the Reyna family threatened to “take me down” DURING THE WORLD CUP BECAUSE GIO WASN’T PLAYING!

“The intention of this statement is to provide transparency and reinforce that a single bad decision made by a teenager does not necessarily define him for the rest of his life. We will not hide from this. We didn’t then, and we won’t now.”

Yes, Gregg, yes! Shove this bullshit in the garbage where it belongs. At this point I was willing to ride to the aid of the Berhalter family, my fellow Chicagoans, and literally fight the New Jersey Reynas.

Yet, the Reynas were only getting started. Danielle Reyna released her own statement describing Rosalind as her teammate and friend. She said she helped her through the traumatic incident and eventually gave Gregg enough grace to make him and Rosalind a big part of her family life.

That’s fine and all, but she also said she decided to disclose her friend’s teenage domestic violence incident from 30 years ago because she expected Gregg to “give the same grace” to her asshole kid? That’s the opposite of grace, honey.

She closed:

“I’m sorry this information became public, and I regret that I played a role in something that could reopen wounds from the past.”

Something that COULD reopen wounds from the past? Get the fuck out of my face you worm tongued liar!

US Soccer hires a law firm to do an investigation and the investigation more or less eviscerates the Reyna family. It gives a little more detail about Gregg’s fight with Rosalind, stating that she hit him twice in the face before he pushed her down and kicked her. A passerby then tackled Gregg.

The investigation paints a portrait of the Reynas as two overbearing parents who for several years harassed US Soccer officials about everything from Gio’s flight plans to playing time to travel arrangements to refereeing decisions.

Gregg Berhalter, during the investigation, “appeared to be truthful, forthcoming, and credible.”

“We were less impressed with the Reynas’ cooperation during the Investigation.”

One US Soccer official gave investigators an absolutely brutal email sent by Claudio Reyna regarding one of Gio’s games:

“Field, referee everything!! So embarrassing all the way around.”

Mr. Reyna sent a follow-up email that stated:

“And in all honest [sic] can we get real and have male refs for a game like this. Its embarrassing guys. What are we trying to prove? A game like this deserves bett[e]r attention.”

Yikes!

Danielle Reyna reportedly told a U.S. Soccer staffer, “Once this tournament is over, I can make one phone call and give one interview, and his cool sneakers and bounce passes will be gone.”

I can keep on going but it’s clear, the Reynas suck. I ended up admiring Gregg a lot more after this and he’s a good example of how to handle yourself in tough situations. You hold your head high and carry yourself with integrity, you own up for your failures and work hard to fix them.

The Reynas responded to the investigation with a letter from their own attorney that referenced Gio’s younger brother who died of cancer at a young age and how some of their anxieties are tied up in the son who lived. Their grief and anxiety is understandable, but it’s no excuse for bad behavior.

As for the bete noir of US Soccer, Gio has struggled, but all real fans are rooting for him. You can’t hold the son responsible for the sins of the father. I don’t and I won’t and I think he has it in him to be an elite pain in the ass for other teams. He was forged in the fires of New Jersey trash and while it does not necessarily define you, it runs in your blood and can be harnessed for good.

I fantasize about a World Cup final where Gio scores the game winning goal with an assist from none other than Sebastian Berhalter. The Reynas and Berhalters swarm the field. Everyone hugs and cries, our long national nightmare is over.

Believe.

DIDN’T MAKE THE CUT 😢

Johnny Cardoso: You killed his father, prepare to die.

Brazilian American who chose the United States over Brazil because he would never sniff the bench of their squad. But he’s had a good career so far and has earned a starting spot with the storied Spanish team, Atlético Madrid. Butter smooth in the midfield, flashes of world class talent but then he puts on the American jersey and does some stupid shit. Our most English player in that way. But I’m glad he’s ours. I feel like he’s the type of depth we were lacking last WC. Suffered a late injury for Atlético Madrid requiring surgery. Big bummer.

THING HE DOES THAT’S COOL: smooth passes like butter, baby.

Diego Luna: Not THAT Diego Luna, but a good Diego Luna nonetheless. Lots of tattoos and what I will call “visible personality.” Coach Pochatino said he played with “big balls” after scoring a goal with a broken nose. He’s a big guy, full of energy, likes to fight, and there’s a good chance he does something sneaky cool in this World Cup. MLSer for now but potentially a transfer to Europe in his future. I feel like Diego Luna has the potential to fit well into most scenarios in American life. You can take him to the club or to a cookout or a punk rock show or a rap show or to an art museum or even a fashion show. He’s got the look.

Last minute roster decision that doomed Diego for the World Cup. He hadn’t played especially well but still sad to see given all he gave the team the past couple of years. There were some aggreived MLS meatballs who were like “you’re putting GIO REYNA on the team instead of THIS MLS GUY WHO HAS GRIT!!!!”

Yeah, of course. Gio, when healthy, can break a World Cup game. Diego Luna cannot.

THING HE DOES THAT’S COOL: Check out his photo he put on the Gram after breaking his nose.

Tanner Tessmann: The unfortunately named Tanner Tessman, the Tan Man. As cool as “Folarin Balogun” is as a name, “Tanner Tessmann” is uncool. Clemson coach Dabo Sweeney’s godson. I understand how cursed all of this is, but Tanner has bet on himself and now he’s holding down a starting job at Lyon in Ligue 1, the top French league. Born in Birmingham, Alabama, Tanner came up in the Dallas MLS academies before working his way to Europe.

Not sure what happened here. I thought Tanner plays at a higher level then some of the late adds and has proven himself overseas but alas. Maybe Poch just has it out for Dabo Sweeney like the rest of us. If so, I can understand the move. If not, c’mon.

THING HE DOES THAT’S COOL: Did Superman shit in getting Venezia promoted to Serie A.

Acknowledgements

Emily Pela for the copy edits and writing suggestions. Scuffed Podcast for most of the lore in this writeup and at least one of the jokes. Shout out Gregg Berhalter for all of the sick bounce passes. Never let anyone diminish your star.

*By “it”, I could be referring to almost anything. For example, it could be the 98th minute of the World Cup final. Tim Ream summons the last of the magic in his ancient bones and clears a goal from the box with a slide tackle. The ball deflects to Jedi Robinson who bombs downfield along the flank before finding Christian Pulisic. After dribbling past two defenders, Pulisic plays a pass to Sebastian Berhalter who whips it across the box to Giovanni Reyna. Our sweet prince slips it in the net just before the referee blows the whistle.

USA 1, England 0.

The Berhalters and Reynas run across the field and hug. Arrogant European broadcasters are stunned. Alexi Lalas pops and locks across the Fox set. It’s out of character but Pulisic does one of those WWE crotch chops. He does it multiple times. Every member of the team joins him. I do one out of respect and also, if I’m being honest, disrespect. US Soccer announces they are staying in Chicago and no longer leaving for Atlanta. Schlitz goes back into production. Pope Leo holds mass in Grant Park. Chicago’s parking meter deal is null and void. Everything is beautiful and nothing hurts.

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TABLE OF CONTENTS

OVERVIEW

THE TEAM

THE COACH, AKA THE POCH COACH

APPENDICES

Acknowledgements